An Open Letter To Her

Dear Internet,

This is for her.

I miss you and the way we would be so in sync. I miss you and the way we would spend nights together talking about boys and how annoying our sisters are. I miss you and the way we would be in our own little world and void everyone else out. I miss you and the way we would attend parties only because we were both going. I miss you and the way we would sing Christmas songs. I miss you and the relationship we had formed over our whole lifetime.

I want to apologize if I had hurt you in any way that I did or didn’t know of. I apologize for my actions and words that may have contributed to the loss of our friendship. I’m sorry if I did something, but honestly, I have no idea how we got this way and I am begging you to tell me how but if it’s because of any of the following reasons, then I want to tell you how sorry I am.

If this was due to what I had done to your sister, that was a selfish move to make, as at that time, I was going through things of my own and had needed to think about myself, and who I wanted to have knowledge about what’s going in my life. I felt that she, although being family, didn’t need to have validation on my own personal life. If that had offended you in any way, then I take it back.

If this was due to when I started dating Jozo and didn’t ask for your permission, I’m sorry. Many people have told me that I should’ve asked for your permission before dating him, after all, he was your friend before he became my boyfriend, but I didn’t think about it as you told me that you didn’t want to stand in the way of our happiness…but I guess, I came in between yours and I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to take your best friend away from you or if you thought that I started distancing myself from you because of him, then I’m truly sorry. Being in a relationship, I didn’t mean for that to happen…I didn’t mean for our relationship to fall apart because I actually wanted it to strengthen it. I hoped that we’d be each other’s person to rant about how annoying our boyfriends are or how they surprised us that one time or about how nervous we were when we did it. I wanted for us to be happy for each other during those times in our lives but somewhere along the way, that wasn’t the case and slowly, instead of being your cousin, I had suddenly became just Jozo’s girlfriend to you. I started to learn of your life through ‘telephone messages’ passed from you to your boyfriend to Jozo to me. I was the last to know about things, and I guess that’s what I had resulted to, the last message.

If this was about me not fully liking your boyfriend, I’m sorry. At first, the thought of you two didn’t seem to bother me, however, after your birthday, my perspective on him changed as I saw the way he was acting and I thought my cousin deserved better than that. However, as the months have passed, I realized how happy you were with him, I thought you two were going to have a wonderful relationship, even if your family didn’t approve. I was actually rooting for you.

Believe it or not, being distant from you has been one of the hardest things to accept. I guess losing you as a friend did hurt me. As you went into your first year of college, I supported you and wanted you to come to me for help and consolation because I know how tough it is to be in that position. I wanted you to talk to me about it, and to know that I got your back no matter what. I wanted you to let me know your struggles so I can help you get through them because you were there for me back then and I so badly wanted to be there for you but you wouldn’t let me. I watched as you replaced me with some of your friends, your boyfriend and your sister. I witnessed from afar some of your success this year and I’m still proud of you.

From the moment we became more than cousins, we were best friends, soul mates, we called ourselves “cousisters” and I have loved it. We told strangers that we were sisters and our dads said we looked alike. I helped you get that job as a hostess, and you started hanging out with my friends and I, and I thought this is my wonderful life. We would go to the beach, have lunch at cute restaurants, go to concerts together. We went on our first retreat together, and I felt that made us much more closer than before. We got drunk together, especially your 19th birthday when I made you do nineteen shots (or was it 9?). I was your confirmation sponsor and you were there for me when I got in that car accident, rushing to the hospital right after your shift from McDonald’s. We were to be each other’s maid of honors, godmothers to each others children, and grow old together. You were my person for the longest time that when we had stopped our relationship, I didn’t know what to do. I lost my best friend and just like that, our relationship was out of my hands. I watched it go and was glued to the ground, preventing me from doing anything to help it. It broke and I don’t know if it can be fixed.

It’s funny though, because honest to God, I had thought we were in good standing in our relationship just last month. We saw each other at parties and talked just like the old times, we started texting and sending each other memes on social media, and I felt like we were redeeming what was once lost. Yet, once an important day in my life came around, I think I knew in that moment, we were done. And silly me thought you were bluffing but as the day went on, you proved me wrong.

I wish I can take back the moment when our relationship started pulling on a thread but I don’t know if you want to. You seem better without me, and maybe that’s you just growing up and figuring life out. Maybe I was a bad seed in your life that prevented you to flourish and you had to remove me. Maybe I wasn’t helping you love yourself or find yourself, so you had let me go. I am sorry.

If there’s anything I have to say to you, whether or not we end up reconciling or not, it’s this: I am still going to love and support you. We may not be talking at the moment, but when good things happen to you, I will be happy for you. When bad things happen to you, I will be praying for you. I will continue to send good vibes your way, even if I’m just on the side lines and I’ll still be sorry for our loss.

I wish that you’re going to find yourself, and love yourself so fully. I hope you’re going to find your meaning in life, and realize that you touch peoples soul with such big eyes and charismatic personality. I wish that when you love, you will love passionately and give yourself so gracefully. I hope that you will become such a woman who loves life that you learn to live it fearlessly. You are strong and you are independent and I’m still going to love you. I wish you will learn to grow, and be better for I am still learning to.

I have been in this position many times before, however, this one hurts much more since I have lost the relationship with my cousin, who has been my best friend the moment she was born. If losing her was for the sake of bettering her life, then I will support that in any way that I can. I want to learn not to be angry with what happened between us, hence why I’m praying for my healing to be able to come to full terms with what happened. If this was for the better, then so be it.

Do me a favour, love bugs, and appreciate your family and friends. Give them love and tell them how much they’re important to you, tell them, “Thank you for loving me”.

Be safe and kind, and thank you and your soul for stopping by.

Love,

Beeonsay

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