When you love too much

Dear Internet,

When my family was over, they didn’t have a chance to meet Jozo since he was in Europe. As sad as I was, I couldn’t have let it affect me because nobody could’ve controlled the situation, it’s just how life works.

My aunts and cousins would ask me about him, and I tell them just about everything, and from there, they probably would’ve understood how in love I am with Jozo. They saw the many pictures I have of him in my room, my cellphone wallpaper and my little Polariod picture on the back of my phone, and one of my aunts continuously and seriously told me, “Don’t love too much“. I never thought about it before just because I never found myself being the one to give so much without getting the same in return because I thought we love equally. I shrugged her comment off the first time, however, as the days went by while he was in Europe and I was here, I began to actually question if we were on the same page with loving each other. There were days when I would go through our conversations and see that I was the one sending videos or memes or Instagram posts, I was the one checking up on him and telling him that I miss and love him first and he wouldn’t respond to anything. I actually felt as if I was talking to myself, and I felt embarrassed and stupid because I didn’t want to seem needy for attention but that’s exactly what I needed. I needed him to notice me for a quick second to acknowledge that I still exist in this world, and to feel his love from where he was but I couldn’t…I felt like I had lost it between the different time zones and distance that separated us from each other.

Occasionally, I would get a video from Jozo on how his day was and what he did, and although I enjoyed it, I wished that we could’ve talked to each other longer, just to have an actual conversation that night or day. Although, I loved playing the videos over and over again (I saved my favs), it wasn’t the same as having a one on one conversation with Jozo. Watching his videos were watching him eight hours ago or the day before that, and I couldn’t laugh with him or express any emotion with him because he wasn’t there with me.

I’ve always thought I can be okay with long distance relationships, being single for so long made me believe that. Funny how things work because now being in a serious relationship has made me think otherwise. It was difficult for me to realize that we would be apart for so long, and I honestly didn’t like it. I told him in videos that it’s never going to happen again because of how it affected me. Three weeks apart was extremely hard on me, especially when there were days that we hadn’t communicated at all. I would send him videos about how my day was or what I was doing  but behind some of those videos, I fought the urge to tell him how hard it was for me to be apart. During those days, all I ever wanted was to hear his voice even if it was for a second, or maybe a video about how he couldn’t stop talking about me to a relative or maybe just a video call to meet his family from far away. I wished that he would’ve sent me a picture of something he saw that reminded him of me or a screenshot of what he was listening to, preferably our song. I had hoped that all he would give me, although being with family, was a small dose of attention or communication. On some days that we did talk to each other, we had minor disputes about him rejecting my call because of watching an episode of Game of Thrones or because of my family concerns about him. Resolving these matters are difficult due to the different time zones and the constant promises that are made…and now, I feel like promises don’t mean so much anymore. It’s hard for me to believe in his promises because I know, firsthand, that promises can break or don’t come true.

It was hard for me, and I’ll admit that a thousand times over, because loving too much is hard to do when it seems like the other person didn’t love the way you wanted them too.

Jozo came back home today and I was super excited before that I was willing to give my shift today at work just to see him. However, we already discussed that he would come by after my shift but because he was tired (which I totally understand!), we had agreed to see each other another day. So I didn’t cancel my shift, but I did hope he would’ve surprised me during the end of my shift or he would’ve came to my house unexpectedly just so he can see me…despite his jet lag…but he didn’t though.

If I feel that this love is hard, then I hope he begins to love me harder.

Be safe and kind, and thank you and your soul for stopping by.

Love,

Beeonsay

 

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